Mark Zuckerberg, YouTwitFace.

Okay, I know what you’re going to say.

“Ahmed, you haven’t updated in yonks. I swear I thought you were dead!”

Ah, I totally don’t blame you at all, dear child.

See, the truth is that I’ve been hibernating.

No, really.

Okay, the actual truth is that I posted about Beeber last. According to my very acute and reliable senses, I’ll have to say it’s rather unfortunate, but it appears that Beeber is still the current big thing. Seriously, what am I supposed to do about that? Drag the child into the ocean and give him a makeover? Poor thing probably isn’t up to that stage in primary school yet (that part where the kids are tossed into a large body of water so they can learn to swim themselves). You know I can’t do that. I can’t even do that to his evil twin that plays Gaga songs, let alone touch a hair on the head of the most popular of the few superheroes we’ve got left.

So I’ve been pondering. Y’know, like that Auguste Rodin sculpture. Then I realized something.

This man on the web. Boy, he sure has been talked about a helluva lot over the past few days. Wannabe social media experts have been eating him alive. He’s just about the new Justin Beeber! If Justin Beeber invented Facebook, that is! And he would totally be the new Justin Beeber. You just wait. He’ll get there when they finally figure out how to get him on as a trending topic on Twitter for the next three weeks! It’s going to be like getting on the guestlist for a special bikini wax from Oprah herself, but it’ll happen eventually!

So apparently this Jewish (or Jewish-looking) kid’s been getting his skinny little ass into all sorts of trouble lately. Not bad, I’ll say. “Finally!”, I thought, “a new kid in town who can be the new Internet slut of the month, and this one’s legal and I bet he runs on crack which is definitely less controversial than baby carrots!”

ALLRIGHT, GUYS! SOMEBODY WITH BALLS! I mean, check out all these accusations of hardcore badass behavior floating around:

And of course, there’s this winner:

241 freakin’ recommendations, BITCHES.

I don’t say this often, but this dude’s getting some street cred! Oh, he’s got it going ON! Kim Kardashian’s going to regret hanging with CougarBait now! Yeah, don’t you dare mess with Mark Zuckerberg, because he’s got the power, and he’ll make pancakes out of you while telling him to give him the money, Lebowski, because he’s got the four thousand emails that could be built into a some psychotic sonic megatron (of words) that will beat your ass up. And he’ll do it like a boss, on a horse, on a boat, or wherever the hell he wants. And he ain’t afraid of no ghost.

Anyway, he’s a tough MOFO. You get the picture.

I know I did. Here’s what I got:

OHHH, HELL NO!

WHAT THE HELL, MAN! I THOUGHT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE TOUGH! CAN’T YOU ATLEAST HAVE MISSING TEETH OR AN EYEPATCH? OR STOOD IN FRONT OF MORE EPICLY TAGGED GRAFFITI WITH BITCHIN’ WORDS ON IT?

Oh, dude. This, man. THIS. THIS IS WHY YOU CAN’T BEAT THE BEEBER. All the baby carrots in the world aren’t going to save you with that ‘if Lisa Simpson just pooped, and she named it David Cameron’ image!

But fear not, Zuckerberg. For I’m here. Consider me as your Yoda, Zuckerberg, and you wouldn’t regret it. I’d demand a certain percentage of those emails from you, but Math isn’t my strong points (I lack the finger power) and I have no need for them. Here’s a one (or so. Again, I can’t count)-step plan for you to get yourself sorted and be the next king of the freakin’ Internet (that’s going to be Facebook AND Twitter, you bitch-faces).

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Who the #$&% is Justin Bieber?

Who is this enigma, this sudden wonder, this… kid, who quite literally from out of nowhere became mobbed by bazillions of pre-pubescent girls?

To answer trivial questions like that, I consulted (almost) every entry on Urban Dictionary:

A 15 year old who looks like and sounds like a 10 year old. (hasn’t hit puerberty yet) who has made one song called “One Time” where he throws a party at ushers house with no alchol or weed. just a clean party. the song sounds like a little kid screaming at you on xbox live.The truth is all the girls care about his looks. (blonde hair brown eyed skater faggot) he is the worst thing to come to music since the jonas brothers, hanna montana, and naked brothers band.

(Ps. Who are the Naked Brothers and are they actually naked? That sounds… pedophilic. Is that even a word?)

The reason why I don’t listen to modern day music.

1. He hasn’t hit puberty.
2. He’s 15 year old that sings about love. (How fucking original.)
3. He is only loved for his looks.

4. His fans are teenage girls who finger themselves to the image of him (I can guarantee you there are girls that do it.)
5. His teenage fans have NO idea on what real dinging talent is. They hear whatever is on the radio, (Obviously Justin) And then think that’s the ‘cool’ new thing that everyone needs, until there’s another teenage faggot released with more of the same shit.
6. He’s the one getting signed for reason 3., when there are 1,000,000 people out there that are average looking, and 10 times more talented, but they aren’t getting a fucking chance.

7. Terrible lyrics. Absolutely no meaning other than “Ooh baby, I love you, ooh, you’re my one and only love”. Shit.

And… every other entry is about the same. I must say, there isn’t a lack of angry people out there on Urban Dictionary. Why can’t you humans just get along? (I suppose it’s because of creations like Justin Beiber. Bieber? Beeber? How do you spell his name again? I’m pretty sure they all lead to the same wonder of the universe when I Google Search it.)

I think Urban Dictionary might have just ruined the point of the entire entry. But let’s not fear, for I have more explanations to who this phenomenon is.

Justin Beeber is…

.

.

You bet I was going to RickRoll you, didn’t you? Well, I’m not that kind of narwhal.

Justin Beeber kindof looks like Ellen Page, and like Ellen Page, makes Ryan Seacrest look like some dude who could get into MENSA, if MENSA only wanted tall people. For the ill-informed, yes, this is a big statement, considering most hobbits tower over the American Idol host.

There is also more evidence here, where we can see that a Guitar Hero guitar looks about the size of a normal guitar on him. Hahahaha.

Alright, enough of the mean mocking narwhal. So maybe Ryan Seacrest isn’t entirely dwarfy. Plenty of men are relatively dwarfy but make a lot of money so they don’t seem very dwarfy, so let’s say that this puts Seacrest in the category of ‘self deprecating below average’ height. One could probably say the same about Stephen Colbert’s 16-year-old daughter. But here is more proof of Beeber’s smallness straight from the source.

So… when was the last time David Spade was casted alongside a leading woman that is actually significantly shorter than him since Just Shoot Me? Oh, now there’s the next Hollywood scoop! Justin Beeber is going to play the leading girl in David Spade’s next big sitcom.

There’s another thing though. Justin Beeber is HUGE (proof: See 1:30). But the question is, among whom?

Well, that’s pretty simple.

Justin Beeber is cougar bait.

Urban Dictionary failed to point that out (for now. Now if they would accept my submission…). And here’s the lesson: Justin Beeber is so much more than the stuff Urban Dictionary claims that he is. To discover who the boy really is would take a very, very large Wikipedia entry and I’m sure there is one but I am too lazy to read all of it. Not because I don’t care, but because I have better things to do instead.

Oh, he is a lot more than that. Humans as a species are just not exposed to the truth enough. I don’t know why, but I’m betting it’s the very reporters from E! who consider Justin Beeber as some glorified musical midget, or PR people who breed lies for money (lots of money). But I’m here to bring change, transparency, and all-round goodness. Therefore, I feel that it’s my duty to bring you the absolute truth.

Read on, kiddies, for this is the true non-Hollywood, but Oceaney! (because True Hollywood Stories are always into glorification and exaggeration) story of Justin Beeber. Tagline: “He’s a lot more than you think he is”….

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There was going to be an argument somewhere.

I predicted a lot of things at the end of 2009 (because I am magical) that I wouldn’t name here because that would result in a list so long that it may destroy all of the Internet, but I realized that I am pretty silly because I didn’t see this coming. I don’t know why, but it’s all apparent now.

2010 is the year of the Facebook meme.

First it was the bra thing (and all the other stupid variations. Hair, sex position, whatever).

Then it was the doppelganger.

Now it’s the Urban Dictionary name meaning thing.

You get the picture. But you know what do all of the above have in common?

Racism. Pure, unarguable narwhal-racism.

The bras? We don’t wear bras, let alone know what color they would be! None of us undersea creatures do. Hell, you’d get laughed out of the ocean if you did. Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking of this:

“If you can wear a bikini-type thing, surely you wear bras too!”

Fair enough argument, kids. But here’s the kicker: Sandy Cheeks IS NOT REAL. Now, I hate to be the one who had to break it to you, but somebody has to do it.

[OBVIOUSLY, there is more. READ THE REST OF IT. IT IS POLITE TO DO SO]

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A Grammy post. Because I’m cool.

No really, I’m totally cool. My .pdf diploma from The Colbert University said so. It’s viewable on my invisible iPad 2.0.

I have a confession to make. I didn’t watch the Grammy Awards because these events are too swanky to be projected underneath the ocean. I suppose not watching it makes me slightly smarter than those who did:

I am not a victim of your mind control, media!

Boy, I wish I could watch it. It’s my opposable thumbs, isn’t it? I could still ball up this flipper like a fist and curse at you, Grammy people. I can, and I will.

See? I’m totally doing it right now.

It’s a conspiracy, I tell you. Much like every awards show out there. All the people on top are big into making us all feel good about bad stuff that happens every day.

No, I am not making jabs at Haiti victims and the fact that everybody at the Golden Globes kept referring to George Clooney’s great effort. Geez, have you no heart? Over 100000 people died from the earth wanting to swallow things! Yeah, how do you feel now? You’d better start evaluating your mindthoughts during this awkward silent moment, bitch.

Anyways. Award shows = conspiracy to make things all good again. Prime example = Heath Ledger winning every freakin’ award for playing The Joker. Seriously? So you died. Boo-freakin’-hoo. What, can’t bear being connected to an Olsen twin? I suppose I’d be pretty bummed out too.

Less awkwardness-inducing example: Titanic for a Best Picture Oscar. Really? So a ship ran into an iceberg and it was really sad, and millions of 8-year-olds worldwide fell tragically in love with Leonardo. Big deal.

Award shows are also notorious for showcasing people who either have no talent, or those that make us go ”who the heck was that?’, for these moments are hilarious, and shows that the people on top are into promoting new talent that may one day win awards. Like, who the heck is Justin Beiber? And who gave Kesha the license to appear at a music (rather than recycling) event? And who are these people called Sookie and Nadeeea that people keep talking about on Twitter?! And I know being a narwhal and all, I’m not well-exposed to hip hop music, but what else is T-Pain known for aside from ‘I’m on a Boat’ and why does he get to be on the same stage as Slash?

But that’s all okay, and rather expected. The Grammys haven’t been watchable since the Internet existed, so I’m cool. Until I found out that Taylor Swift won four awards.

FOUR? WHAT THE WHAT??! Is she even old enough to count to four? Not that I’m saying you can’t have youngins winning Grammys or anything, but judging by these lyrics (if she even wrote them), I thought she was about six years old:

That you were Romeo, you were throwing pebbles
And my daddy said stay away from Juliet
And I was crying on the staircase
Begging you please don’t go

Oh, and don’t even get me started on the music. The chord progression was even easier to figure out than a Blink 182 song, it is more repetitive than a Dick Cheney/Darth Vader joke (at least those are still funny from time to time), and the chorus covers a phenomenal range of around four whole notes!

And that’s just one single. Think about having an ENTIRE album full of these.

So what has someone like say, Joe Satriani been doing wrong after all these years? Fifteen nominations with no wins. FIFTEEN. It was a complete mystery, but not anymore. Oh, now we know that all he has to do is get the biggest douchebag in the industry to very publicly say unpleasant things about him while he sits there with a stunned expression. If hecould cry, that would be very good too.

As for who should play the douchebag this time, I nominate Taylor Swift. Why? Because she named that album ‘Fearless’. There is almost nothing douchier than attempting to steal Jet Li’s thunder by giving your album the same title as one of the few films that I remember Jet Li being in. Also, here is why Taylor Swift is a douche:

I just dropped one of my awards! Heavens, no! I guess my frail hands aren’t able to lift so many pieces of metal/gold/whatever elements these things are made of.”

“OH NO, LOOK GUYS, THE GRAMMY BROKE. MY GRAMMY BROKE! GOING TO LOOK ABSOLUTELY SHOCKED NOW!”

“OH NO, NOW I ONLY HAVE THREE!”

I’m sure some tears followed that. Somebody give this girl an Academy Award. I mean, the Internet must have been so douchey for broadcasting laughs everywhere over this incident, and I can’t make myself watch it, but I bet her performance as Juliet in that video of hers was phenomenal. Plus, I assume that we will need to replace that broken Grammy with something.

Karma: Sometimes it works. Kinda.

I may be just a humble ol’ zombie-narwhal as my previous entry suggests, but it doesn’t mean that I haven’t got big ambitions  to kick ass and be THE cool pop culture blogthing out there. Sure, Perez may have the advantage of opposable thumbs (again, I bring this up… not that I like to draw attention to it like it’s a prominent disability and/or I’m a cast member of Glee or anything), but I have the advantage of having read dozens of other hilariously time-consuming entertainment blogs aside from his. Which means that over time, I would have gained skills that HE doesn’t have BUT because I know of his existence, I also possess the skills that he DOES have (whatever they are). Geddit? Yeah. Suck on that, Perez.

Observe:

Figure 1.0:  Obama shakes the hand of a Kardashian (don’t remember/know which one, not that it matters). OH NO, THE WORLD IS GOING TO END! It’s like Obama bowing to the Saudi King all over again! Or worse still, the consequences would be similar to say, if George Bush fist-bumped Saddam. Oh, the atrocity!
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Did I get my message across? I bet I did. See what I did here? I’m going with the ‘picture’s worth a thousand words’ method employed by… everyone. Here is why you’re going to keep reading:

1. Image is relevant, relatively newsworthy, recent enough.

2. MS Paint (the only really useful Microsoft product) worked its magic, framing a bit of good-vs-evil shtick that made a certain ‘celebrity blogger’ ever so popular, as well as show that I have opinions of some sort, like most mammals do.

3. The following theory: Obama shakes the hand of a Kardashian. Stuff that comes up along the way during the week (regardless of whether they happened before or after this incident) is a direct consequence of this action. Confusing, probably, but here’s me attempting to illustrate it.

1. Obama is a nice guy, shakes the hand of a Kardashian…

His intentions are pretty good. He’s gotta keep his reputation for being cool so the Kardashian doesn’t say mean things about him to Ryan Seacrest. So he does it. Because it’s his duty to maintain (relative) world peace. Therefore, these decent things happen:

  • That stereotype-mongering show Ugly Betty gets canceled, and there may just be hope in television again.
  • Iron Man 2 + AC/DC’s Greatest Hits = Sounds like shameless cross-promotion, but AC/DC is still cool and I dunno, at least it’s not  Twilight.
  • Lauren Conrad (WHO? Exactly.) reveals her list of favourite books. Which included Sparknotes. As a favourite book. Wow.
  • Good new career ideas for Conan O’ Brien. This might just work.
  • No Orlando Bloom in Pirates 4! Unfortunately, there is going to be a Pirates 4.
  • They found the character from Friends who is now possibly homeless. Maybe in about ten years he can play Denny Crane or something. Then marry John Mayer. Yeah, I’m not sure why I listed this in the positive section either.

2. Obama ALLOWED himself to shake the hand of a Kardashian…

Obama is really a tabloid whore at heart. No further explanation needed. The consequences?

There we go. Now doesn’t the world make a little more sense now? It should, because Obama, being the President of the US, is obviously the center of some universe. So unlike the rest of us, he can’t kill moths unless they’re really bothering him in his sleep, or it would send a rampaging army of monsters storming through Tokyo.

Ps. I am not Pat Robertson.

You have got to be kidding me.

A zombiefied monodon monoceros? Blogging? You don’t have opposable thumbs! Computers don’t work under the ocean! Even Facebook doesn’t speak whale (and Facebook speaks a pretty reasonable variety of languages, including the atrocious upside-down. Who the heck aside from Jake Tucker from Family Guy reads upside down?)!

Well, you are wrong. And I am personally appalled at your discriminatory thoughts. It’s people like you, yeah, you, and those working at Facebook, that fail to acknowledge why Whale should be a language on Facebook… and other discriminatory things like that. Which is why I, a humble Zombie-Narwhal, have decided to set up my own personal space on the web to represent the glory that is my species. We have been ignored for too long, but we shall be ignored no more.

Sure, it takes balls. And I’m not the Morgan Freeman of the ocean or anything. Oh, heck no. I’m not even on the same status as a *insert B-grade actor here* (yet. This stuff takes time). But hey, it doesn’t take an A-lister who played God, or a world leader to change the world. Let’s take two great people who now have the same birthdays as this newborn blog as examples– Phil Collins and Christian Bale (Wikipedia 2010). The former, born in 1951, wrote a hit so great, it takes Cadbury gorillas and Mike Tyson (in a movie) in their happy places. The latter, born in 1974, taught us that you shouldn’t mess with actors who work on Terminator films. Happy birthday, boys. Ordinary boys who taught us a little more about the world we live in. We think we know it, but we don’t. And hey, just today I have been surfing (haha!) the news channels (haha!), and noticed that it was of all people, it was Osama bin Laden who is stepping up to encourage people to do something about global warming. Osama bin Laden! What the what, guys! That is whack!

But here’s the point. If Osama can change a few minds about global warming, surely I, a humble zombie-monodon monoceros can change society’s uneducated view of my species? Which is why I’m here. Because having electronic waves (haha!) means that I can start what could possibly be the greatest piece of the Internet ever. Because undersea creatures need a voice as fresh as the calamari you get in swanky restaurants (probably not very fresh). Because Barack Obama can’t achieve change on his own, and he can’t because here’s what we’re lacking a little in this world today– something that promotes real social change. And you know what? That something might just be me.

[But wait, there is more!]

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