Mark Zuckerberg, YouTwitFace.

Okay, I know what you’re going to say.

“Ahmed, you haven’t updated in yonks. I swear I thought you were dead!”

Ah, I totally don’t blame you at all, dear child.

See, the truth is that I’ve been hibernating.

No, really.

Okay, the actual truth is that I posted about Beeber last. According to my very acute and reliable senses, I’ll have to say it’s rather unfortunate, but it appears that Beeber is still the current big thing. Seriously, what am I supposed to do about that? Drag the child into the ocean and give him a makeover? Poor thing probably isn’t up to that stage in primary school yet (that part where the kids are tossed into a large body of water so they can learn to swim themselves). You know I can’t do that. I can’t even do that to his evil twin that plays Gaga songs, let alone touch a hair on the head of the most popular of the few superheroes we’ve got left.

So I’ve been pondering. Y’know, like that Auguste Rodin sculpture. Then I realized something.

This man on the web. Boy, he sure has been talked about a helluva lot over the past few days. Wannabe social media experts have been eating him alive. He’s just about the new Justin Beeber! If Justin Beeber invented Facebook, that is! And he would totally be the new Justin Beeber. You just wait. He’ll get there when they finally figure out how to get him on as a trending topic on Twitter for the next three weeks! It’s going to be like getting on the guestlist for a special bikini wax from Oprah herself, but it’ll happen eventually!

So apparently this Jewish (or Jewish-looking) kid’s been getting his skinny little ass into all sorts of trouble lately. Not bad, I’ll say. “Finally!”, I thought, “a new kid in town who can be the new Internet slut of the month, and this one’s legal and I bet he runs on crack which is definitely less controversial than baby carrots!”

ALLRIGHT, GUYS! SOMEBODY WITH BALLS! I mean, check out all these accusations of hardcore badass behavior floating around:

And of course, there’s this winner:

241 freakin’ recommendations, BITCHES.

I don’t say this often, but this dude’s getting some street cred! Oh, he’s got it going ON! Kim Kardashian’s going to regret hanging with CougarBait now! Yeah, don’t you dare mess with Mark Zuckerberg, because he’s got the power, and he’ll make pancakes out of you while telling him to give him the money, Lebowski, because he’s got the four thousand emails that could be built into a some psychotic sonic megatron (of words) that will beat your ass up. And he’ll do it like a boss, on a horse, on a boat, or wherever the hell he wants. And he ain’t afraid of no ghost.

Anyway, he’s a tough MOFO. You get the picture.

I know I did. Here’s what I got:

OHHH, HELL NO!

WHAT THE HELL, MAN! I THOUGHT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE TOUGH! CAN’T YOU ATLEAST HAVE MISSING TEETH OR AN EYEPATCH? OR STOOD IN FRONT OF MORE EPICLY TAGGED GRAFFITI WITH BITCHIN’ WORDS ON IT?

Oh, dude. This, man. THIS. THIS IS WHY YOU CAN’T BEAT THE BEEBER. All the baby carrots in the world aren’t going to save you with that ‘if Lisa Simpson just pooped, and she named it David Cameron’ image!

But fear not, Zuckerberg. For I’m here. Consider me as your Yoda, Zuckerberg, and you wouldn’t regret it. I’d demand a certain percentage of those emails from you, but Math isn’t my strong points (I lack the finger power) and I have no need for them. Here’s a one (or so. Again, I can’t count)-step plan for you to get yourself sorted and be the next king of the freakin’ Internet (that’s going to be Facebook AND Twitter, you bitch-faces).

Right, Zuckerberg. M-Zizzle. Marky-Zuck. If you’re gonna take on Justin Beeber, you’re going to need more than a generic film training montage. To begin, you’ll have to concentrate on the qualities of the more recent badasses of our time.

1.

NAME: Chris Brown

APPARENT BADASSERY: Kicked girlfriend’s ass.

THE REAL BADASSERY: Tattoos, fedora hat to mask lack of hair, and well-executed ‘bitch, please’ pose.

2.

NAME: Bret Michaels

APPARENT BADASSERY: Frontman of one-hit-wonder band, reality TV man-slut to plastic boobsies.

THE REAL BADASSERY: Hair, hair accessories, pout.

3.

NAME: Rod Blagojevich

APPARENT BADASSERY: Bitch, there are Wikipedia pages dedicated to this badassery.

THE REAL BADASSERY: Ability to belt out Elvis, leather jacket, and MOST IMPORTANTLY, hair to rival Donald Trump.

4.

NAME: Something “Sookie” something.

APPARENT BADASSERY: Something on Jersey Shore and other stuff.

THE REAL BADASSERY: Bitch, it’s Sookie… bitch. Hair, probably.

5.

NAME: Ivan ‘Mickey Rourke’ Vanko.

APPARENT BADASSERY: Kicking people’s asses in a movie not titled Kick-Ass.

THE REAL BADASSERY: Tattoos. Bird. Eyewear. Bling. Hair.

6.

NAME: Betty White, bitch.

APPARENT BADASSERY: Being a bigger badass than all of the above combined.

THE REAL BADASSERY: Betty White. Hair.

And finally, #7.

NAME: Elahagussdajshgshudsuadustdd’s epic ash cloud.

APPARENT BADASSERY: Being a badass volcanic ash cloud whose name nobody remembers.

THE REAL BADASSERY: Ash-like bits of hair kicking the asses of pilots skywide.

.

….And this is you:

I bet you’re wondering what’s the problem here. Allow me to list the ways:

  1. That pose. WRONG. For starters, that sign could have said “CEO, bitch”. Or “I’m with a badass… bitch”. COME ON, CONVINCE US.
  2. Notice how badasses don’t smile, kid? Even Beeber knows that. Call it natural instinct, but that’s why he’s on top and you aren’t.
  3. Visible tattoos? Badass accessories? Come on. You need to get this sorted out before Milli Vanilli, P. Diddy, and Ricky Martin form a superband in James Cameron’s garage and proceed to stealing all the attention from your headlines. You’re in need of some real help here.
  4. How is this not the most obvious of all? THE HAIR, ZUCKERBERG. You didn’t think you’re going to get away with it, did you? And besides, you didn’t think I’d miss this, did you?

There you have it, Zuckerberg. GET YOUR HAIR SORTED OUT. Then we’ll talk and figure out other stuff, like getting you a bird (I’d suggest a flammable, chameleon-like ostrich to somehow represent Facebook’s consistently changing rules), badass tattoos (Snooki’s ass print as a tramp stamp, anyone? I bet she’ll do it if you part with about five of your emails), some way of getting your public hairs to spread around and makeĀ  airports worry like Ehugaysyasfysafyd’s ash cloud (I say you donate some of them to Bret Michaels and before you know it, it’ll be all over like gonorrhea), and I’ll arrange for Betty White to taser some extra balls into you. Maybe I’ll even spare a pair of Kanye shades and if you get really into it (like, if you’re on epic levels of full dedication), I’ll even present you with a genuine unicorn-horn. Then, you’ll be a real legend in no time. And you’ll stay in those Twitter trending topics – for four weeks or more, five weeks, even! Beeber, like Tiger Woods, will be a thing of the past. You wanna know why Tom from MySpace never made it big time? Because he never bothered to pimp up his (lack of a) hairdo (among other badass things). I’m saying it now, Mark-Z. Don’t come whinging to me three weeks from now and making up stuff like how I never warned you about this sort of thing.

Remember: You can be a hero-badass, if only you’re willing try hard enough.

Ps. BEWARE, Beeber. You’re going down (but it’s okay now because after my help, it’s going to be a worthy opponent. You’re welcome, kid *winks*).

  1. Bieber is just another word for “Barney”. Both are awkward and creepy. Neither is allowed in my house.

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