Okay, I know what you’re going to say.
“Ahmed, you haven’t updated in yonks. I swear I thought you were dead!”
Ah, I totally don’t blame you at all, dear child.
See, the truth is that I’ve been hibernating.
Okay, the actual truth is that I posted about Beeber last. According to my very acute and reliable senses, I’ll have to say it’s rather unfortunate, but it appears that Beeber is still the current big thing. Seriously, what am I supposed to do about that? Drag the child into the ocean and give him a makeover? Poor thing probably isn’t up to that stage in primary school yet (that part where the kids are tossed into a large body of water so they can learn to swim themselves). You know I can’t do that. I can’t even do that to his evil twin that plays Gaga songs, let alone touch a hair on the head of the most popular of the few superheroes we’ve got left.
So I’ve been pondering. Y’know, like that Auguste Rodin sculpture. Then I realized something.
This man on the web. Boy, he sure has been talked about a helluva lot over the past few days. Wannabe social media experts have been eating him alive. He’s just about the new Justin Beeber! If Justin Beeber invented Facebook, that is! And he would totally be the new Justin Beeber. You just wait. He’ll get there when they finally figure out how to get him on as a trending topic on Twitter for the next three weeks! It’s going to be like getting on the guestlist for a special bikini wax from Oprah herself, but it’ll happen eventually!
So apparently this Jewish (or Jewish-looking) kid’s been getting his skinny little ass into all sorts of trouble lately. Not bad, I’ll say. “Finally!”, I thought, “a new kid in town who can be the new Internet slut of the month, and this one’s legal and I bet he runs on crack which is definitely less controversial than baby carrots!”
ALLRIGHT, GUYS! SOMEBODY WITH BALLS! I mean, check out all these accusations of hardcore badass behavior floating around:
- “Facebook staffers [PANSIES!] criticize Mark Zuckerberg [HELLYEAH!] over privacy settings [PSSSH, WHO NEEDS THOSE ANYWAY]“.
- “Facebook and others caught sending user data to advertisers” [‘Other’ BAD-ASSES, I bet! It’s a badass gang!]
- “Facebook CEO faces accusations of security fraud” [Laaadies, ‘CEO’. Come on, he’s like Steve Jobs. Fraud? You mean, for being a total BADASS?]
- “Facebook moves to fix privacy loophole [WHAT LOOPHOLE? COME ON, ALL THOSE CHANGES MONTH AFTER MONTH… YOU THINK YOU’D BE USED TO IT BY NOW, PUNY HUMANS!] after WSJ [as if you trusted those guys anyway] review“.
- “FACEBOOK FAIL: [Fail? More like ‘MISSION ACCOMPLISHED’] How to use privacy settings and avoid disaster [you mean, “how to be afraid of your mom?”]“
- “Zuckerberg a ‘ruthless sex maniac’ in film” [or, you really mean ‘more sextacular than Ron Jeremy and Justin Beeber combined, and by in film, you mean in real life’, right?]
- “Zuckerberg as Mugabe“, who is apparently doing work “like reducing a prosperous country to semi-starvation and having peasants rounded up and tortured until they sing your praises” [I dare you to contest this level of hardcore].
And of course, there’s this winner:
241 freakin’ recommendations, BITCHES.
I don’t say this often, but this dude’s getting some street cred! Oh, he’s got it going ON! Kim Kardashian’s going to regret hanging with CougarBait now! Yeah, don’t you dare mess with Mark Zuckerberg, because he’s got the power, and he’ll make pancakes out of you while telling him to give him the money, Lebowski, because he’s got the four thousand emails that could be built into a some psychotic sonic megatron (of words) that will beat your ass up. And he’ll do it like a boss, on a horse, on a boat, or wherever the hell he wants. And he ain’t afraid of no ghost.
Anyway, he’s a tough MOFO. You get the picture.
I know I did. Here’s what I got:
OHHH, HELL NO!
WHAT THE HELL, MAN! I THOUGHT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE TOUGH! CAN’T YOU ATLEAST HAVE MISSING TEETH OR AN EYEPATCH? OR STOOD IN FRONT OF MORE EPICLY TAGGED GRAFFITI WITH BITCHIN’ WORDS ON IT?
Oh, dude. This, man. THIS. THIS IS WHY YOU CAN’T BEAT THE BEEBER. All the baby carrots in the world aren’t going to save you with that ‘if Lisa Simpson just pooped, and she named it David Cameron’ image!
But fear not, Zuckerberg. For I’m here. Consider me as your Yoda, Zuckerberg, and you wouldn’t regret it. I’d demand a certain percentage of those emails from you, but Math isn’t my strong points (I lack the finger power) and I have no need for them. Here’s a one (or so. Again, I can’t count)-step plan for you to get yourself sorted and be the next king of the freakin’ Internet (that’s going to be Facebook AND Twitter, you bitch-faces).